


The Diary In The Attic

by Max_Riemelts_Me



Category: Sense8 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon compliance and canon divergence met and had a baby. This is the baby, F/M, Ghosts, Kala kept a diary, Panic Attacks, Supernatural Elements, There maybe fluff but no promises
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-15
Updated: 2018-09-25
Packaged: 2019-06-27 23:58:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 15,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15696015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Max_Riemelts_Me/pseuds/Max_Riemelts_Me
Summary: The owner of a new home finds an old box with a fifty year  old diary among its contents. She decides to read the diary not knowing that by doing so she would be setting in motion a chain of events that would leave her questioning her own reality.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I write the weirdest fics, I know, but bear with me.
> 
> Thank you PreRaphaelites for the beta and your help with the timeline. Actually, thank you for being a wonderful friend in general. I'd be lost without you <3
> 
> Dear reader, I hope you enjoy reading this and remember, any mistakes you find are my own.

Maria settled in bed with the dusty old diary she had found in a box in the attic of her newly purchased home. She had wondered why that one single box hadn’t been cleared by the previous occupants. She didn’t really mind though, since there was enough space for her own stuff. Besides, the items in the box were interesting enough for her to want to keep it.

With the lamp on the bedside table providing her with just enough light to be able to read without difficulty, she took a sip of wine from the glass she had set by the lamp and started reading.

The first entry was dated June 21st, 2015, fifty years prior to the moment she opened the diary. The soft “wow” she said sounded eerily loud in the quiet house.

********

**June 21st, 2015**

Dear Diary,

I’m not sure how to do this. I’ve never written a diary before and I’m not sure I’ll continue writing to be honest. Why do people even talk to their diary, address it as if it were a person? Dear diary? What’s that? You won’t talk back at me anyway. How is this supposed to help me? My sister Daya said that writing down everything I’m feeling would help me understand myself better. I highly doubt that, but I will try. Don’t take it personally though. I’m a scientist. As long as something is quantifiable, I’m comfortable with it. I know that seems odd considering I’m a devout Hindu, but one thing doesn’t cancel out the other. Believing in a higher power is not the same as believing in the power of the written words of a confused woman. I’m twenty-seven, what am I even doing?

Nevermind, Diary. I’m asking questions the answers to which can only be given by me writing more so here goes nothing. Let me start by introducing myself. My name is Kala. As I said earlier I’m twenty-seven. I’m a pharmacist, I’m engaged, and that’s where my troubles begin. My finacé’s name is Rajan. He is the son of the owner of the company I work in. We met at work a few times, we exchanged polite conversation each time, and suddenly he started to make his interest in me show. He is very … affectionate, I suppose. He once filled my office with so many bouquets of exotic flowers that I didn’t know what to do with them. I appreciated the gesture, but it also made me feel uncomfortable. On the one hand, I’m not one for grand gestures, on the other it made me feel cornered. What would people say or think if I turned him down? They’d think I’m ungrateful that’s for sure, and if I accept it, they as well as Rajan would assume I’m welcoming his advances. I AM grateful, but I am not interested. Everything about Rajan spoke volumes about how good a catch he would be, but in all honesty I didn’t feel anything for him.

I finally decided to give him a chance in spite of how I felt, or rather didn’t feel, about him. I suppose seeing my parents’ eyes widen in surprise and happiness over the news was more than I could possibly deny them. They were more excited about Rajan than they were when I got my degree. I have to admit it hurt, but I couldn't say anything. Don’t judge me, please. You weren’t there. You didn’t see their faces. What kind of daughter would I be if I took that happiness from them? Before I knew what was happening, I was engaged to a man who, by everyone’s standards, was perfect, and I agree, but he just wasn’t perfect for ME.

I’m tired of writing, Diary. I’ll go to bed now, but I’ll be back soon.  


**June 23rd, 2015**

Dear Diary,

Tonight was extremely exhausting. I’m drained. There was a party tonight for Rajan and I. He did this thing where he sang and danced to a favourite song of mine. Romantic, right? Wrong. I felt the same as I did with the flowers. Yet another grand gesture that I was pressured into accepting and partaking in. I didn’t want to at first, but then people started pulling me up mistaking my reluctance for nerves. What was I supposed to do? Correct them? Say no? It would have upset everyone and embarrassed my family. I couldn’t do anything but say yes.

Diary, I’m hesitant to write what happened next. I feel that putting it into words would somehow make it real. I’m not making much sense, am I? I’ll just come out and say it: I hallucinated tonight. I was standing on the balcony trying to get some air. I was feeling uncomfortably hot and I couldn’t breathe. To be completely honest, I was suffocating. Anyway, I think I was in two places at once. One moment I was standing on the balcony looking down at this white man I’ve never seen before and the next I was walking through an Indian restaurant I’ve never been to where that same man was sitting at a table, his eyes following my every move. It must be the stress playing tricks on my brain, right? What other explanation could it be? And why can’t I stop thinking about that stranger?

This engagement is driving me insane and I can’t talk to anyone but you about it. How sad is that?  


**June 24th, 2015**

Dear Diary,

I had the strangest dream last night. I was singing a song I’ve never heard before in what I believe was a karaoke bar, but also in my room, and on the roof of the Ganesha temple. That’s not the strangest thing, though. It’s who I was singing with: the stranger from my engagement party. We were singing together, in perfect harmony. Not just in pitch, but also in spirit. I’m drawn to him, Diary. I can’t explain it. All I can say is that I haven’t been this happy for the longest time. Even Daya told me she had never before seen me smile like I did as I sang. I am ashamed to say this, but when Daya asked me if I was dreaming about Rajan, I said yes. The truth is, Rajan didn’t even cross my mind. He never does unless it is to remind myself of what I need to do, what I SHOULD do. My thoughts about Rajan are always cause for stress.

People say that love comes after marriage. I don’t think this will be the case for me. Am I broken? Why can’t I just be like the other women who would die to be where I am now? I just don’t feel a connection with Rajan. Our conversations are hardly stimulating or thought-provoking. All we talk about is wedding preparations and when we’re done with those, all Rajan talks about is how much he loves me, how happy he is that we’re getting married, and how beautiful he thinks I am. We don’t talk about ourselves enough. I don’t know Rajan Rasal enough to MARRY him. I need to talk to someone, but I am completely alone. No one in my life could possibly understand what I’m going through. No matter what I say, I will always sound ungrateful.

I’m sorry I got you all wet, diary. I didn’t mean to cry.  


**June 25th, 2015**

I can’t breathe and I don’t mean in some silly metaphorical sense. I literally can’t breathe. My wedding is tomorrow. I am not ready to marry Rajan. I’m not ready to marry anyone. I want to be left in peace to work and finish my research. I think I’m having a panic attack. My heart is trying to beat itself out of my chest. I’m dizzy. My eyes are pulsating. I feel I’m about to faint. Help me, Diary! Ganesha, I beg you to help me. Please, someone save me from … myself.  


**June 27th, 2015**

So I did faint after all, Diary, but not when I wrote my last entry. I fainted at my wedding. It’s kind of a long story so bear with me.

********

At this point, Maria’s eyes were closing in fatigue despite her best efforts to stay awake. She fell into a deep slumber with the diary in her lap. Her dreams were foreign and oddly colourful.

_Kala was such a beautiful woman and in red she was stunning. It was her wedding day, a day that should leave her giddy with happiness, but her eyes were brimful of melancholy. “I didn’t know it would be this heavy,” she said with forced lightheartedness referring to her dress, but it wasn’t just the dress that was heavy, her heart was as well. As she entered the venue where her wedding was held, she felt her life about to end. She wanted to escape so bad she found herself somewhere else. It was sunny, she was walking down an unfamiliar street, with a leash in her hand. The dog she was walking was such a sweet, beautiful one. She felt she was saying farewell and in a sense she really was. She was leaving her life behind and whoever owned this dog was as well. Kala could sense it somehow, clear as day._

_Kala pushed open the gates to a house of Asian architecture and saw an elderly man with a kind face and sympathetic eyes waiting for her. Kala sighed at the ache in her chest, then she was back at her wedding. The familiar scent of spices and incense failed to calm her as they usually did; in a way, they made it harder for her breathe. She couldn’t blame the incense for long though. It was all her. It was all Kala’s doing._

_Kala could hardly speak up loud enough as she said her vows. Every step she took felt heavier than the one before it. She was about to speak her final vow when the stranger from her dreams appeared before her out of nowhere. He was naked and wet as though he was taking a shower or was going for a swim. He only spoke a few words, but they were words that Kala needed someone to say to her, although she would later deny she ever did. “What the fuck are you doing?” he said with a frown. “You’re not in love with him.”_

_Those words coupled with the man’s nakedness, were the last things Kala heard and saw before her eyes rolled back and her feet gave way._

_Kala woke to the concerned faces of her family. They told her Rajan was waiting for her downstairs. Kala groaned and resolved herself to face him. Alone in her room, she opened her closet to pick something to wear, but to her surprise, the items she found clearly didn’t belong to her; they clearly belonged to a man._

_“Hello again,” she heard a man say. She cautiously turned to find the stranger from her wedding and her dreams._

_“No. No. No,” she said repeatedly, desperately as she rushed to her door to lock it. “You have ruined my life,” she said pointedly. The man denied it and insisted he had only spoken the truth that she could never admit out loud. Kala denied it although she knew it to be true. That was when Kala realised she couldn’t lie to the stranger, he somehow just knew whenever she did. Before they parted ways she called him a demon who never seemed to have any clothes on. The stranger wasn’t offended, he was amused, and his nonchalance over his nudity left Kala confused especially because, for the first time in her life, she was genuinely curious about her own sexuality._

_Kala pushed aside all thoughts of the stranger as she sat with Rajan in her father’s restaurant. When she first sat down she was burdened with shame, then she was buzzing with anticipation when she gave him a chance to back out of marrying her, then she was deflated, desolate when he insisted on proceeding with their marriage. He even made a joke about telling their children how their mother took one look at their father and fainted. Kala could only force a smile because the words that wanted to come out of her mouth would have left Rajan insulted. Kala didn’t want children, she didn’t even want to get married, but after all her family’s excitement, all the formalities and the expenses of their first attempt at a wedding left her no room to save herself. She wondered if she was being too amenable, too submissive to her culture, too dutiful, but she couldn’t for the life of her come close to an answer. Could she say no? Would she, if she could?_

_The next morning, Kala went to the temple and pleaded with Ganesha to give her a sign if she was doing the right thing, only to find the stranger leaning on one of the temple’s pillars, questioning the efficacy of prayers. Kala suddenly found herself standing in an outdoors café being drenched by a downpour, the stranger sitting alone at a table._

_“Why won’t you just leave me alone?” Kala asked._

_“I tried. Believe me, I tried, but everytime I do I find myself drawn back to you,” he answered honestly._

_Kala eyed him for a brief moment then said with a small smile, “At least you’re wearing clothes.”_

_The stranger chuckled then patted the empty chair beside him in a silent invitation for her to join him and she tentatively did, wrapping her arms around herself to keep from shivering. When she asked if it was always this cold, the stranger rubbed her shoulders in an attempt to bring her warmth. Kala gave him an uncomfortable look and the stranger immediately pulled his hands away. They soon switched locations and instead of the cold rain, they were sitting under the warm rays of the sun, surrounded by the smell of jasmine and marigold as well as the taste of strong coffee on their tongues. The conversation flowed easily where they talked about religion and science and gravity. They almost kissed when Kala suddenly found herself alone. She had gone to the temple looking for answers, but left it even more confused._

_********_

Maria woke with a start, disoriented. She grumpily kicked away the covers she was sure she had pushed to the foot of the bed the night before. She groaned at the spike of pain that slashed through the side of her head when she sat up. Suddenly remembering what she was doing before bed, she ignored her migraine and searched the covers frantically for the diary, but couldn’t find it. She got out of bed and checked under it, but still with no luck. Only as she started to get off the floor did she notice it lying neatly on the bedside table, the place where she had stopped reading somehow bookmarked. Maria picked up the diary and frowned. She didn’t even know she had a bookmark let alone find it and use it.

Placing the diary back on the nightstand, Maria trudged into the kitchen to pour herself a cup of coffee, thanking God she had remembered to set the timer on the machine to start brewing the coffee before she woke. She added too much sugar to her cup, and before she even took her first sip, she found she could already taste the lingering flavour of strong coffee on her tongue. “What the fuck?” she exclaimed as she stared at her untouched mug. “I’m not awake enough for this shit,” she said to herself, finally taking a drink of the hot liquid.

Every step Maria took around the house as she went through her morning routine aggravated her migraine. Already dressed and ready to go to work, Maria searched for a painkiller. With many of her belongings still untouched in their boxes, she soon gave up, but just as she was walking out of the bathroom, a small box toppled over and a bottle of painkiller rolled out of it to stop at her feet. “Huh,” she exclaimed as she picked up the bottle. Her eyes went from the pills to the box a few times, then she simply shrugged and swallowed two pills, hoping they would take the edge off before her first meeting of the day.

Maria got into her car and set it on autopilot as she pulled the diary out of her bag. If she read fast enough she could read a couple of entries before she reached the train station. As she read the first few lines, she felt dizzy. They sounded too familiar, yet she was sure she hadn’t read them the night before. That was when memories of her dream came rushing back. All Maria could do was stare ahead as her mind raced, as her analytical thought-process failed her. Nothing made sense, nothing added up: the covers, the bookmarked diary, the taste of coffee in her mouth, the inexplicably toppled box, the vivid dream of a diary entry she never even read.

She was so lost in thought she didn’t even realise she was already at the station until the car’s system declared, “You have reached your destination.”

Maria was still in a daze as she tried to go through her work day, but she just couldn’t keep her mind off the diary and was relieved when she finally got off the train and back in her car to start the drive back home.

She parked her car in the garage and pressed the control button to close the garage door. She wouldn’t have needed to have a manual control system if she had installed the AI system almost everyone else now had in their homes. All she would have needed to do was give the command for the AI to carry out, but installing such technology in her house would have compromised its integrity. She would have had to tear down walls and rebuild them. She loved the house just as it was. A reminder of how things were before technology became more important than history and art.

As soon as she closed the door joining the garage to the kitchen, Maria was met by the strong scent of jasmine and another one she was not familiar with. Subconsciously, she touched a hand to her bag where the diary was and, thinking back to her dream, one word popped in her mind: marigold.

Later that night, Maria sat in bed after cancelling dinner plans with her friends. She had eaten a quick meal and instead of her usual glass of wine, Maria had a steaming cup of coffee by her side.

********

**July 8th, 2015**

Dear Diary,

It’s been awhile since I last saw or heard from Wolfgang. Yes, Wolfgang. That’s his name. He never said it to me out loud, but that day at the temple I just knew. I don’t know how or why, but I’m worried about him. I can tell that he’s going through something big, but I can’t tell what it is and I don’t want to intrude. I suppose I have to wait until he contacts me again when he’s ready.  


**July 10th, 2015**

Dear Diary,

I went to the movies with my family today. It was a comedy, but my heart ached, my eyes filled with tears, and my shoulders felt as though they were carrying the weight of the world. I excused myself to go to the bathroom and that’s where I saw him again: Wolfgang. I suddenly understood where these strong emotions were coming from. I’m sorry, Diary. That’s a lie. I already knew. This is how my engagement to Rajan makes me feel a lot of the time. I believe that is why Wolfgang and I gravitated towards each other in that moment. Our emotions were mirroring each other and they brought us together. Not once in my life have I felt this connected to someone. What I’m experiencing with Wolfgang is something beyond my comprehension, beyond belief, a miracle. As special as it is, as precious as it is, it remains a constant reminder of what I don’t have with Rajan. How can I even compare between both men? My experiences with both are simply incomparable.

Wolfgang opened up to me today as we sat by a hospital bed. Felix, Wolfgang’s brother by choice, was shot because Wolfgang wanted to change the unchangeable: the past. He is weighed down by guilt, the same as I am albeit for different reasons. I could feel his love and unwavering loyalty to his brother. There is nothing Wolfgang wouldn’t do for him, of that I am certain, and his brother, judging by the heartbreaking and heartwarming stories Wolfgang shared with me, felt exactly the same way.

Wolfgang’s stories about his childhood left me at a loss. We had nothing in common where that was concerned. I wasn’t sure how to comfort him, not that he necessarily needed me to. He had survived a dead mother, an abusive father, an uncaring uncle, and a life forced into crime. I, on the other hand, have led quite a sheltered life. I am certain of my family’s love for me, as misguided as it is where Rajan is concerned. I am positive their hearts are in the right place.

For the brief time I spent by Wolfgang’s side in the hospital, and despite it being fraught with pain and regret, he could still make me forget my own troubles. Wolfgang could still put my mind at ease although his mere existence in my life is reason enough to go insane.  


**July 12th, 2015**

My father-in-law is in the hospital fighting for his life after being stabbed mercilessly at the temple. He nearly died in arms, Diary. I was terrified. I’m still shaking. The police were ruthless as they questioned me. They even implied that I had a hand in the attack on Manendra, which brings me to my next point: why he had wanted to meet with me in the first place. He wanted to tell me he didn’t approve of Rajan’s marriage to me. I wasn’t sure how to feel: offended over how he sees me as not good enough for his son, or relieved that maybe there’s hope this marriage will be cancelled by someone else’s hands. I am ashamed to admit that I was leaning more towards the latter, although now all I can think of is the conversation I had with Rajan later in the day.

I am angry, Diary. Rajan knew his father didn’t approve of our union yet he insisted on it. What makes this even worse is that Rajan, knowingly, used that very disapproval to spite his father. He admitted to me that his interest in me was fueled, at first, by his desire to go against Manendra just to prove he could. He followed that with a speech about how that is no longer how he feels, that he wants to marry me for me. I don’t know if I should believe him. Should I? Could I? My life is extremely complicated right now, I am completely lost.

What is it that I have with Wolfgang? What is it that I share with Rajan? What am I supposed to do? What do I chose? My family and my duty? Or my heart and the life I’d rather live, as ambiguous and shady as it seems?

********

“The fact that you have to even ask, Kala! How could you be so blind?” Maria yelled at the diary before slamming it shut and throwing it to the side where it bounced from the mattress to the floor. Maria jumped when she heard the bathroom door slam shut. She stared at the open door of her bedroom, her heart thudding in her chest, her eyes wide open and staring.

A word softer than a whisper, a murmur, a voice as quiet as a breeze, sounded in the silence. Maria couldn’t make out the barely-audible word, but she could have sworn it was an admonishment, a reprimand: _Wolfgang!_

Unbidden tears fuelled by fear stung Maria’s eyes. She jumped out of bed and rushed to turn on the lights, every step she took giving her goosebumps, making her wonder if she had just walked through whatever slammed the door shut. She stood with her back to the wall, her heart still in her throat, as her eyes scanned every inch of her room.

Maria couldn’t get herself to sleep that night. She sat up on the living room couch with the lights on and her knees hugged to her chest. When her eyes finally closed of their own volition, she had a dreamless sleep.

She woke with a start and a crick in her neck from the awkward angle as it rested on the back of the couch. The fear from the night before seemed to dissipate in the warm rays of sunlight coming in through the windows. Maria got to her numb feet, taking careful steps to avoid tripping, the sensation of pins and needles fading with every step.

********

“Maria, we’ve been friends for the longest time,” Heike, Maria’s best friend said on the phone, her voice calm, “so you know I don’t believe in ghosts and whatnot.”

Maria nodded in agreement before remembering Heike couldn’t see her, “Yeah, I know.”

“You also know I’m too German to beat around the bush,” she said before she added firmly, assertively, “Stop reading the damned diary. It’s getting to your head.”

Heike’s words stayed with Maria long after they’d hung up. She had only had the diary for two days and she was already experiencing things she rather didn’t. So later that evening, she went out for drinks with a friend. She returned home feeling more like herself. If she felt the entire house sigh in relief upon her return, she didn’t acknowledge it. When she went to bed that night, she had no odd, vivid dreams, the covers remained pooled at her feet, and no migraines. As she woke up the next day feeling more and more like herself, Maria smiled. She had her first cup of coffee and got ready for work without incident. Before she left her house, she eyed the diary and ran a finger longingly along the floral cover, but she didn’t open it for days, until the weekend. Now knowing how to control the after-effects of immersing herself in it, Maria finally brought herself to read more, but this time in broad daylight.

********

**July 24th, 2015**

I kissed him, diary. I’m sure you know who I’m referring to. It felt like a kiss goodbye when I failed to change his mind about his plan which could lead to his death. Thank Ganesha it didn’t, but he was also no more. He’s killed his uncle, shot him in the face while I watched, unable to move or look away. I actually helped him, Diary. I built him a bomb out of spices and kitchen supplies that killed some of the bodyguards that were after him. I now have a hand in these deaths. I can’t decide what hurts most: the self-loathing or Wolfgang telling me I had to marry Rajan. It’s been days now and I can’t seem to keep from crying every time I think about that fateful day. I feel abandoned by Wolfgang and ashamed of myself. I tried to reach out to him, but my attempts were always met with silence. I will stop trying. As much as it pains me to lose him, I have to move on with my life and Rajan seems to be the best option for me. I don’t understand myself anymore. Am I a woman who helps the one she cares about most kill those who have wronged him? Or am I a devout Hindu woman who has duties to fulfill and expectations to meet? Which of the two am I really? I can’t keep swinging back and forth like this. I have to make a choice and stick with it. I have to or otherwise I will lose my mind completely. The logical, safer choice is Rajan and that is the choice I’m sticking with.

I don’t know if I will write to you again, Diary. I can’t keep voicing my doubts. How will I finally find peace in my life if I constantly remind myself of what I want but can’t have? I’m turning the page and starting over.

Goodbye, Diary, and thank you for being my friend.

********

“For fuck’s sake, Kala!” Maria yelled at the diary, “I am so damn disappointed in you,” she concluded as she slammed the diary shut. She pinched the bridge of her nose then took one deep breath after the other. There was a certain restless energy in the air, Maria’s body felt connected to a low-voltage live wire. She groaned in frustration. "I really can't take any more of your games," she said, hoping the entities in her home could hear her, then got dressed planning to go for a run. Before she left the house, she put the diary back in the attic where it belonged.

She ran into a friend at the park when she went for a run. She returned to the friend’s home afterwards and stayed for dinner after taking a shower and borrowing something to wear. Maria told her friend about the diary and how she felt about Kala’s reluctance to free herself from the self-imposed morality. She explained how she didn’t necessarily want Kala to choose Wolfgang, she wanted her to choose herself, her own happiness, and if Wolfgang happened to be part of that then so be it. When Maria’s friend suggested Maria try a ouija board to communicate with the ghosts in her house, Maria laughed it off until she realised her friend was serious. “No! Absolutely fucking not! Have you completely lost your mind?” was Maria’s vehement reply.

Maria returned to the house much later still shaking her head at her friend’s absurd suggestion. As soon as she entered her security code, walked through the door, then locked it, her ears started to ring. She could hear murmurs, whispers, and feet shuffling. Her eyes frantically moved around the foyer, the whispers growing louder, clearer.

 _Maria!_ The overlapping voices called out her name.

_I’m sorry._

_I’m sorry._

_Keep reading._

_Don’t stop._

The voices kept echoing until they all merged into one: _Maria, I’m sorry I scared you. Keep reading!_ Maria screamed and jumped back till she hit the door. She quickly turned to unlock it and run out when she saw him standing to her right. His apologetic blue eyes and solemn face were the last things she saw before she fainted.

********


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's chapter 2. I hope you enjoy it :) One more chapter to go and this fic is finished :)
> 
> Thank you to everyone who gave this fic a chance. I appreciate the kudos and comments. They kept me going <3
> 
> My eternal gratitude to PreRaphaelites for the beta <3
> 
> There's a little German in this chapter. It's paraphrased in the context. If you want to know the exact translation, please check the end notes, but I suggest doing that after reading. It could spoil the chapter for you.

Maria came to a few moments later, her eyes opening slowly, staring at the ceiling while her blurry eyes refocused. She reoriented herself with where she was on the floor and why she was there to begin with. As her muddled brain recalled the memory, she quickly turned to her side and gingerly pulled herself off the ground, yelping at the pain radiating from the bruise forming at the back of her head. She pushed through the pain and rushed to her bedroom. She pulled a small suitcase out of her closet, and proceeded to pack in a hurry. She was considering her options, considering where to go when her hands paused midway to the suitcase. “No, this is wrong,” she whispered to herself before she spoke out loud for the entities in her house to hear. “No! I won’t leave. This may have been your home once, but now it’s mine and it’s you who has to leave,” Maria said heatedly, looking around for a sign that she was heard. “Are you even listening?” she asked, but when nothing happened, she frowned but then had an idea. “If you’re listening tap once for yes and twice for no. So, are you here?”  
  
One tap.  
  
“Oh shit,” Maria muttered under her breath. She wanted to know if they were listening and now that she did, she was terrified. She took a few seconds to keep her voice from shaking then started asking questions, making sure they had yes-no answers.  
  
“Are you going to leave?”  
  
Two taps.  
  
“Why the fuck not?” she yelled in desperation, then groaned in pain as the throbbing in her head got worse. “OK. Do you want me to leave?”  
  
Two taps.  
  
“What the fuck do you want then?” she asked knowing she wouldn’t be getting an answer. She pressed her fingers against her eyes, more in pain than afraid at this point. “Why are you doing this? Have I done something wrong?”  
  
A sequence of double taps sounded across her room, louder than the other ones she had received earlier.  
  
“Is it that important to you that I continue reading the diary?”  
  
Single taps resounded across her room over and over. It was as if they couldn’t stress how important it was that she keep reading.  
  
“Ok. OK. Easy. I have a headache that _you_ gave me, so dial it down a notch or two,” she said as she sat on the edge of her bed, pressing her fingers against her eyes again. The sound of something dropping on the floor made her open her eyes to find her bag had fallen off the dresser and the painkiller had rolled out of it. On a heavy sigh and a slight shake of her head Maria rose to her feet and picked the small bottle off the ground. “So it really was you that first day,” she muttered. “Thanks! Creepy, but thanks,” she added as she walked to the kitchen. She picked up a glass from the cupboard above the sink, but as soon as she pulled up the tap, someone pushed it down again. Maria tried again, and once more someone turned the water off, followed by two taps. Before she could give them a piece of her mind, the refrigerator rattled as if pushed. Maria’s gaze moved from the tap to the fridge and back again, her brows furrowing. She slowly moved to the fridge, opened it, and as soon as she did, the bottles of sparkling water lining the top shelf rattled loudly.  
  
“Oh for the love of all that’s holy enough with the racket,” she demanded as she pulled out one of the bottles, uncapped it, and swallowed two pills. “What? You love sparkling water or something?” Maria wondered as she recapped the bottle and left it on the counter.  
  
Two taps.  
  
“Then why not tap water? It’s perfectly fine to drink,” she asked and wondered if the Ouija board might actually be a good idea. “Ok. Look! I need a shower and some time alone. Can you give me that?” she asked and received a single tap in response.  
  
“Thank God!” she exclaimed as she went to her bedroom and picked out a change of clothes. She didn’t trust them to give her any privacy in her bedroom and decided to get dressed in the bathroom. She hated to do so, but she hoped they would have the decency to stay out.  
  
Maria hesitated at the bathroom door and turned. “Wolfgang, can you hear me?” she asked.  
  
Single tap.  
  
“Apology accepted,” Maria said with a small shrug.  
  
Single tap.  
  
“Was that a ‘thank you’?”  
  
Single tap.  
  
Maria found herself smiling despite the incredibly odd circumstances. “You’re a softie at heart, aren’t you?” she teased.  
  
Double tap.  
  
Maria stood quietly for a moment then stated, her tone serious yet kind, “Nobody capable of loving someone as much as you love Kala can be cold-hearted. Even in death, you’re still by her side.” Maria then added, her tone teasing again, “No point in denying it by the way. I’m onto you, Wolfie.” At that, Maria could almost swear she heard Kala giggle.  
  
Maria opted for a bath instead of a shower, but just as she was about to rest her aching head on the folded towel on the back rim of the tub, a knock sounded on the door. “No! This is me time now. Remember?” she whined.  
  
Single tap.  
  
“Then go away,” she ordered.  
  
Double tap.  
  
Maria whined in despair. “If I let you in, would you leave me alone for the rest of the night?”  
  
Single tap.  
  
“Ok. Only Kala is allowed in. Am I clear?”  
  
Single tap.  
  
“Fine. What can I do for you now?” Maria asked, then caught herself. She was about to rephrase her question when she saw letters taking form on the steamy mirror in immaculate handwriting.  
  
_Stop drinking tap water! It’s important!_  
  
Maria sighed. “If I stopped drinking tap water, would you leave me alone for a couple of days?”  
  
Single tap.  
  
“Deal!” Maria said hurriedly, then rested her head back and closed her eyes.

********

Wolfgang and Kala kept their promise to Maria. Even when the two days she had asked for had passed, they still never made any contact and seemed to patiently wait for her to call them back in.  
  
Maria could finally get her life back on track. Her work no longer suffered from her inattention, her friends no longer complained about her cancelling plans, she could sleep better without the exhausting dreams that left her drained. It was as though everything that had happened the week before never took place. It was a relief to have her routine back, but she also missed reading Kala’s diary.  
  
When Kala and Wolfgang kept their promise to stay away, Maria believed that since there was a middle ground they could all reach, it was time to bring them back. She still struggled with the fact that she was talking to two ghosts haunting her home. It still hadn’t fully sunk in, yet Maria couldn’t keep from itching to have them back, her instincts screaming at her to see this to completion.  
  
Maria pulled the diary out of her bedside table and called out, “Kala! Wolfgang!” When she received no reply, Maria’s heart dropped and she wondered if there was another reason behind the long absence besides honouring their deal.  
  
Maria clutched the diary firmly in her hands and wandered aimlessly around the house calling out to them again and again, her voice becoming progressively shaky. Their absence made her realise she didn’t want them gone. As eerie and surreal as the whole experience was, Maria admitted she sincerely wished they would come back. When she could finally hear a single tap signaling their presence, she heaved a sigh of relief.  
  
“Where the hell were you? I was worried you were gone for good!” she confessed. “I’m about to start reading again. Would you guys like to join me?”  
  
Single tap.  
  
“Ok,” Maria said as she walked back to her room and settled in bed when she felt goosebumps tickling her skin. “Are you guys sitting on the bed with me?” she guessed. When she heard the single tap coming from her headboard, she couldn’t help but smile. Maria knew what both looked like from her dream as well as from Wolfgang’s appearance when he apologised. So it wasn’t hard for her to imagine Wolfgang stretched out on the bed, ankles crossed with his hands behind his head, while Kala sat beside Maria, shoulder to shoulder, looking over at the diary and reading it with her.

Maria didn’t just miss reading the diary; she missed _them._

********

 **August 4th, 2015**  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
It’s been eleven days since I last wrote you. I know I said I no longer would, but I could no longer keep things to myself and you’re the only friend I have to whom I can say anything.  
  
I’m a married woman now. I’m actually on my honeymoon, but I can’t bring myself to fully enjoy it. Rajan and I, well, we haven’t had sex yet. He hasn’t said or done anything to pressure me. He is being quite kind and understanding, but I can tell it is confusing and frustrating him. If I’m being honest it’s confusing and frustrating me as well, so in trying to understand why I don’t feel like sleeping with Rajan, why it feels like a chore and borderline repulsive, I discovered I am what you call demisexual. I had never heard of the word until I did my research. It means that I am incapable of being sexually attracted to someone if I didn’t feel a strong bond, a strong connection with that person. I don’t have that bond with Rajan. I still feel as if he is a stranger to me. I’m trying to take my time and trying to understand him better, but it’s not really working.  
  
  
**August 7th, 2015**  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
I saw Wolfgang today for the first time since I got married. He had been avoiding me ever since that day at his uncle’s. He kept turning away from me every time I thought about him. It’s heartbreaking, Diary. He turned me away yet again today. My only solace is that my cluster was there with me too. It was comforting when they went for a swim with me. It made me feel less alone, less lost.  
  
I’ve never mentioned my cluster before, have I? Never even explained what a cluster is or what I am as an individual? I suppose I never did because I only write to you about things that trouble me about myself and my cluster is wonderful. I love them and I can tell they all love me back.  
  
Well, Diary, it seems this is the time for me to tell you about the Sensate part of me. Too much has happened with my cluster and Rajan that it all seems connected somehow.

Anyway, I am a Sensate. I am connected mentally to seven other people from all over the world. Our connection allows us to visit each other in our heads, speak each other’s languages, and share our skills and experiences and memories. People like me are an endangered species being hunted by an organization called BPO. It sounds dangerous, doesn’t it? It is!

I am in no immediate danger at the moment, but Will, a member of my cluster, is. He made eye contact with a headhunter, a Sensate who works for BPO, by mistake. Eye contact allows Sensates to connect, you see. Not in the full capacity of people within the same cluster, but still. Riley, his clustermate, is with him, caring for him and helping him stay hidden from Whispers, the headhunter I told you about. I’m helping too. Being a pharmacologist sure came in handy in this dire situation Will is in. It also came in handy when Will was saving Riley after she was kidnapped by BPO.

I am also worried about Nomi and her girlfriend, Amanita. BPO and the FBI are after them. I’m also worried about Sun who went to prison for a crime she didn’t commit just to keep her word to her late mother. Capheus’ mother is sick and he got involved with some shady people that threaten his safety and put him and his mother in danger. Last but not least, there’s Lito. He’s an actor. He did something very brave to save his friend, Daniela, from an abusive relationship, but it also put him at risk of being outed as a gay man in an unaccepting society.  
  
It seems odd that none of this is weighing me down as much my marriage is, doesn’t it? It’s just that all this is quantifiable to me. As horrible as it all is, it all follows a certain logic that I can easily keep up with. Besides, I trust my cluster with my life, literally. I will always be there for them, I would never let them down, or turn my back on them.  We are one.

The thing that separates me from my cluster is that they all seem extremely self-aware. They all seem to know and understand themselves with a very clear view of who they are and who they want to be and where they want to go. I, on the other hand, can hardly understand myself and I have no idea what I should do or where I should go from here.

My hand hurts now, Diary. I have to go.

********

Maria closed the diary using her index finger as a bookmark. “Wait, is this BPO the same as the one we have now?” Maria asked, her mind racing.  
  
A single tap.  
  
“Sensates are not an urban legend?”  
  
Two taps.  
  
“Fuck!” Maria whispered, then repeated, louder and more emphatically, “Fuck!” she sprung out of bed and started to pace. She had doubted, reading the earlier entries, that Kala and Wolfgang were Sensates, but since she was always told Sensates never really existed, she brushed it off as the ramblings of an unhinged woman. It never sat easily with Maria thinking Kala was just mentally unstable, but she also couldn’t find another logical answer to Kala and Wolfgang’s connection. So if what Kala had written is true, then, “Oh my God! Is this is how you guys died? BPO got to you?”  
  
Double tap.  
  
“Then what?” Maria asked, frustrated at the lack of direct, detailed answers, “What happened to your cluster? What happened to all Sensates worldwide? Are they dead? Are they hiding?” Maria asked, phrasing her questions in a yes-no format forgotten.

No taps.  
  
“Damn it!” she exclaimed as she dropped on the bed and continued to read.

********

**August 9th, 2015**

I AM LIVID, DIARY! I was telling Rajan how I was feeling trapped, I was about to explain to him that I am a Sensate, but he interrupted me like he usually did and admitted to asking my mother if I am a virgin. What kind of person does this? How on earth did he think it was alright to ask such a question? What made this even worse was that, at the same time as my conversation with Rajan, Lito was being attacked by paparazzi after photographs of Hernando, his boyfriend, and he were made public. It hit us all hard. Despite everything that was happening to him in that moment, Lito was by my side, raging at Rajan over the labels people seem to be so fond of. To top it all off Wolfgang was there as I told Rajan, despite my anger at him, that my doubts about our marriage are over. Why do I keep getting Rajan off the hook? He gave me an out and I didn’t take it. Why can’t I bring myself to break free from a marriage I never really wanted?

 **August 10th, 2015**

By the way, my birthday was a mess, Diary. Naturally, I share the same birthday as my cluster, but that’s not why it was a mess. We all visited, danced, celebrated the first breath we took together. It was exhilarating, but then Wolfgang saw me dancing with Rajan and everything spiralled out of control. The look on his face spoke volumes. I didn’t need to see into his mind to know how much that hurt him. It was never my intention. I did as he told me: I married Rajan. He had been keeping his distance to give me the chance to live a normal, healthy, happy life, but we gravitated towards each other on this special day and it hurt both of us. What was he expecting from me after I got married? What did I want from him now that I’m married? I still love Wolfgang with all my heart, but he has no place in my life. So why do I want him close? Why do I insist that he connect with me? We can’t be just friends, we can’t be lovers, we can’t sever the connection we have, we have to fight BPO side by side, so what could we possibly do to untangle all this?

As if all this wasn’t bad enough, and after talking with Sun, I decided to sleep with Rajan, decided to have the normal life Wolfgang wanted for me, otherwise what would have been the point to all our suffering? It didn’t go as planned though. Wolfgang had hooked up with someone at the same time as I tried to bring myself to sleep with Rajan and it all became too much. I admit I visited him first, I thought about Wolfgang as I walked out of the bathroom to sleep with my husband. It was insane. We kept visiting, to and forth, until I gave up and in the process, sprained Rajan’s manhood. What has my life become?  


**August 15th, 2015**

Rajan offered me a way out yet again. It was probably the most heartfelt one he has ever given me. Again, the coward that I am, I asked him to let me decide whether our marriage would work or not. I’m really trying to do right by Rajan and my family. I can only hope that by doing so, I can find my own happiness in theirs.  


**August 26th, 2015**

Hello Diary,

Did I mention that Rajan and I were looking for a home? We were walking through one that was too big for just two people, but Rajan loved it so I didn’t say anything. It had a pool and all I could think of was Wolfgang. Remember how he and I met? He must have heard me thinking about him for he showed up as I stared into the water, picturing him there. I had to turn away from him. I had to think of my life, my new apartment, my husband.

**December 31st, 2015**

New year’s eve. Yet another mess. Wolfgang and Felix nearly got killed because of a gang war that started after Wolfgang’s uncle’s death. I’m afraid for him and there’s nothing I can do to help.

********

Maria pinched the bridge of her nose then released it, taking deep breaths in an attempt to keep from snapping at Kala. Now that she knew Kala would hear her if she did and knew how protective Wolfgang was of her, she didn’t want to hurt either. “Kala, Rajan had given you four chances to break free. Four! And you still hesitated, you still put what your society deemed appropriate before your own happiness,” Maria sighed, “This was unfair to all involved: you, Wolfgang, and Rajan. You all deserved better, although Rajan comes at the bottom of this list. He was spoiled and possessive. The kind of man who was used to getting what he wanted no matter what. You were one of those things and you let him have you, but still, he deserved someone who truly loved him and that wasn’t you.”

A single tap.

Maria smiled sympathetically, but added nothing. They all sat in silence reflecting on Kala’s choices and the logic behind them until minutes later when Maria finally broke the silence. “Did you guys ever have your happy ending or was that-” she paused to find a less insensitive word than “death”, “-postmortem?” Maria rolled her eyes at her choice of words. It was no better than _death_.

Single tap.

Maria scratched her cheek. “You had your happiness?” she asked, making sure she understood correctly, holding her breath in anticipation. She released it in relief when she received a single tap for an answer.

She worried her lower lip, deep in thought. “Kala, you gave me that dream about your wedding. Can you do that again?”

Two taps.

“Why not?” she asked, knowing she won’t be getting an answer. Her head snapped to the bedroom door when she heard something clattering on the bathroom floor. She immediately understood what it meant and ran out of her room. As soon as she walked into the bathroom she blasted the hot water on full in both the tub and sink and paced restlessly while the bathroom filled with steam. As soon as the mirror steamed over, Kala started writing, her handwriting small, making sure there was plenty more space for her to write again.

_Wolfgang, not me._

Maria stared at the mirror. “Wolfgang gave me that dream? Wow.”

_Wow?_

“Yeah, it makes sense now that I think about it,” Maria said. “The whole dream had this underlying feeling of-” she started to explain, uncertain of how to describe it, “-love and sadness. I suppose that was how Wolfgang felt as he relived the memory.” Maria’s face fell as she focused more and more on the dream and how it made her feel. She knew any words of sympathy would fall on deaf ears where Wolfgang was concerned. The diary might have been Kala’s and mentions of Wolfgang didn’t say much about who he was as a person, but Maria somehow knew. She inexplicably believed she knew Wolfgang rather well despite how little she had to go by in the diary.

“Wolfie, can you take me through what happened next?” she asked, “All of it until the moment you and Kala were finally together.”

There was a long moment of silence. Maria assumed they were deliberating whether or not to do it.

_Das ist eine Menge Information Maria._

“I imagine that is indeed a lot of information. What’s the catch?” she asked, her brows coming together in a concerned frown.

_Erinnerst du dich an die Kopfschmerzen vom ersten Traum? Dies wird noch viel schlimmer sein._

“How much worse will the headache be?” Maria asked, wary. She only received a lopsided smiley in response. Maria sighed. “Ok. Whatever it is, I can handle it. Kala will take care of the headache afterwards. Right Kala?”

_I’ll have your meds ready._

“See, Wolfgang? I’ll be fine?”

_Bist du sicher?_

“Yes, I’m sure. When can you do it?”

_Ich kann das jetzt gleich machen, wenn du möchtest._

“Excellent. Now it is, but first,” she said, “Kala do you know where my sleeping pills are?”

_Why?_

“I don’t want this to be interrupted for any reason.”

_Es wird nicht funktionieren, wenn du das machst._

“Why won’t it work if I take them?”

_Das ist 'ne lange Geschichte._

Maria huffed. “Long story? That’s all you have to say in lieu of an explanation?” she asked, shaking her head. “He sure has communication issues, doesn’t he, Kala?”

 _Sometimes :)_ Kala wrote in the top corner of the mirror. They had run out of space and hot water.

Maria smiled at that then said, turning off the now lukewarm water, “Ok. Let’s do this.”

Maria went into the kitchen, planning to drink a glass of wine to help her sleep, but she stopped dead in her tracks when she found a stranger standing in the middle of her kitchen looking around. When the stranger’s blue eyes finally fell on the still stunned Maria, he smiled widely, happily, disbelievingly. “Maria! You can see me?” he asked and walked towards her. The movement shook Maria out of her surprise and fear making her back away, “Who the fuck are you? And how did you get in here? I’ll have you know I kick box and I’m damn good at it.”

The stranger pushed his floppy, strawberry blond hair away from his face, his smile unfaltering, and said, “Jakob. I’m Jakob.” Before Maria could say anything, Jakob winced in pain, holding his head in his hands.. “Fuck,” was all he said before he disappeared.

“Fuck my life!” Maria yelled at the empty kitchen. “Another ghost? Are you fucking with me now? How many more of you are there?” she asked no one in particular. Groaning in frustration, she walked to the fridge and opened it. She pulled out the bottle of wine, uncorked it, and took a swig, glasses be damned. When two taps sounded on the fridge door, Maria only flipped off the air around the fridge and took another swig before putting the wine back inside and retreating back to her room.

Maria turned off the lights and got into bed. Forcing herself to sleep wasn’t easy, not with how fast her mind was racing, but after doing a series of breathing exercises designed to slow down one's heart rate, she finally fell asleep, relaxed.

Maria found herself on the rooftop of the Ganesha temple she saw in her earlier dream. She closed her eyes, inhaled deeply, and was satisfied when she could smell the jasmine and marigold.

“We should get started.”

Maria spun around, holding a hand over her racing heart, when she heard Wolfgang speak, “You scared the shit out of me,” she tried to slap his arm, but he easily dodged her hand. Feeling vaguely excited and giddy, Maria tried to punch him only for Wolfgang to dodge her again. Maria smiled smugly and took it as a challenge and what started as an attempt to slap his arm became one to successfully punch or kick him. The impromptu challenge ended when she finally managed to deliver a kick to his side.

“Satisfied?” Wolfgang asked with a smirk, his tone insinuating that he let her win.

“Fuck off, Wolfie. I won that fair and square,” Maria said, grinning, her hands in fists at her waist.

Wolfgang only shrugged, then said, “Come on. We don’t have much time.”

“Much time till what?” Maria asked. The only reply she received was Wolfgang touching his fingers to her forehead before a whirlwind of images flashed through her mind.

********

Maria woke with a gasp that her dry throat turned into a coughing fit. She felt she could throw up any second and she wasn’t wrong for she grabbed the bin by the bed just in time for her to empty the contents of her stomach into it. She pulled a bunch of tissue paper from the box on the bedside table and wiped her mouth. Disgusted, she cautiously got out of bed only to fall to her knees too dizzy to stand straight. She waited where she was for the new wave of nausea that hit her to pass before trying to stand again. When she finally did, the severe headache Wolfgang had warned her about reared its ugly head.

Maria heard the water running in the kitchen and made her way to it slowly, carefully holding the bin in her hand, trying not to vomit from the mere thought of its contents. She deposited the offensive bin on the floor, found the painkiller on the counter, and grabbed it. Her fingers wouldn’t cooperate at first, but she eventually pried the bottle open, shaking out too many pills onto her palm. She managed to hold on to two, carelessly dropping the extra ones on the counter. She popped the pills into her mouth before getting herself water from the fridge, the cold bottle chilling her already frigid hand. She swallowed the medication, gulping down as much water as she could without feeling like throwing up once more. She then picked up the bin, scrunching her nose in disgust, and cleaned it and the sink with a cocktail of disinfectant and bleach.

Feeling sticky with cold sweat, Maria pulled her oversized t-shirt away from her body and took her time getting to the bathroom, hoping she had been out long enough for there to be hot water. She turned the tap and waited, then got undressed as soon as she saw the water steaming. The hot water warmed her body, but also relaxed her already weak muscles that she couldn’t keep standing. She sat under the steady stream from the showerhead and sighed, closing her eyes.

Fragments of the memories Wolfgang shared with her played behind her closed lids. Memories of his cluster, their allies, their enemies. She now knew everything Wolfgang remembered about his kidnapping, his torture, their fight against BPO.  Maria found herself crying, aggravating her headache.

Once she felt warm enough, Maria got out of the shower and toweled herself dry then wrapped the towel around herself. She was feeling slightly better as she slipped back into her bed and closed her eyes.

She might have been sleeping, but her brain was still accommodating all the new foreign memories, sifting through them, and putting them in the right order, making sense of them, registering them.

 _Who am I?_ Maria smiled when she heard Wolfgang and Kala’s cluster answer the question that a reporter had asked Lito. Her heart soared at their answer. Proud of their unity.

She re-lived Sun’s near-death experience, the shared anguish and the despair and the fighting spirit. She could finally breathe properly when the cluster helped her escape.

She saw Will survive the attempt on his life in a museum and giggled at Lito’s dramatic performance as he diverted the authorities’ attention away from Will as he got away.

Her heart filled with love for Capheus when she saw him save a baby’s life while rioting for his people’s right to clean water. She saw Capheus run for office.

She saw Kala sitting dejectedly with her father in the family restaurant wondering if she was the kind of person who was never happy with what they had.

She cheered when Lito decided to go the Sao Paulo Gay Pride.

She groaned as she saw Lila try to seduce Wolfgang and fail yet again.

She loved how honest Zakia was about her feelings and blushed as she watched Zakia and Capheus kiss.

Her cheeks burned when she saw and felt Kala and Wolfgang finally consummating their relationship, even though it was only through their connection. Maria’s feelings were in upheaval at that moment. She didn’t want Kala to cheat on Rajan, but she also wanted her to enjoy the love she shared with Wolfgang. She cringed when the memory continued to play out and remembered how Kala had also slept with Rajan at the same time she was with Wolfgang.

Her memories then took her to the Pride Parade where she danced with the cluster and got drunk on the euphoria they had all shared.

She felt her blood boil when she remembered Kala’s confrontation with Rajan over the expired drugs and felt the stab of pain and disappointment in Capheus’ chest as he learned the truth about them.

Maria’s heart warmed when she saw Daniela fight against her parents’ dominance and the love Lito and Hernando showed her.

The memories kept coming in clearer than they first did with Wolfgang, her limbic system firing commands within itself to the hippocampus, the amygdala, and their neighbouring systems to commit all events to her memory as if they were her own.

Maria smiled smugly when Wolfgang stared into Lila Facchini’s eyes and told her the people of Berlin bowed to no one.

She wanted to slap Janet, Nomi’s mum, at Teagan’s wedding rehearsal and again at the wedding itself.

The cycle kept going until the moment Wolfgang was kidnapped by BPO. Maria felt the taser hit her in the chest and woke up gasping in pain. Wolfgang sat by her side, concern written all over his face, and watched as she dropped back on the bed, her eyes closing once more, moving wildly behind her closed eyelids.

Her memories took her to Wolfgang’s attempt to take his own life and Kala’s readiness to follow him. She saw the exchange at the club, the fight against BPO, Wolfgang taking down the helicopter carrying Lila and The Chairman with a rocket launcher.

The memories started to come slower after that until Maria got to Nomi and Amanita’s wedding. The energy of the gathering, the vows, the fireworks made her eyes water. The happy tears never came though as she also remembered the odd arrangement between Kala, Rajan, and Wolfgang. That memory clashed with an earlier one when Wolfgang described his relationship with Kala and her husband as complicated. The memory then clashed with a more recent one where both Wolfgang and Kala were asked about what this relationship meant as well as Kala’s non-commital shrug when Will asked her if she knew what she wanted.

The memories slowed down even more until they were more of a trickle than the flood they had been before. They slowed down until the moment Kala, Wolfgang, and Rajan, drunk on champagne and high on pot brownies, had sex with each other.

********

_Kala woke up, her brain reaching out to Wolfgang before her eyes even opened, before she stretched out a hand to feel him on the bed by her side. Her eyes snapped open when neither her connection to him nor her hands could find him. She sat up abruptly, the sudden movement dropping Rajan’s arm off her waist waking him._

_“Kala, what’s wrong?” he asked sleepily, rubbing his eyes._

_“Wolfgang is gone,” Kala answered while she got out of bed, pulling the bed sheet around herself. She looked around the floor and found none of Wolfgang's clothes. She rushed to the bathroom, but found it dark and unused._

_“He’s more reasonable than I gave him credit, then,” Rajan joked._

_Kala spun around, her eyes wide at the tasteless humour and the implications of Rajan’s words._

_Rajan sat up in bed. “My darling wife, what were you expecting? That this would somehow continue? That we take Wolfgang home? And introduce him as what? My wife’s lover?” Rajan got out of bed and walked to Kala, gently running his hands over her arms. “I know if I was in Wolfgang’s place, I wouldn’t accept this awkward position. He did the right thing, Kala. He doesn’t belong with us.”_

_Kala kept staring at Rajan, saying nothing, while she called out to Wolfgang in her head over and over and getting no answer. Now that she was fully awake, she understood why the resistance was so relentless._

_Wolfgang was on blockers._

_Upon coming to the realisation and understanding what it meant, Kala fell to her knees, her legs giving way. With her eyes tracing the intricate patterns of the carpet she asked herself, “What have I done?”_

_********_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> German Transaltion:
> 
> * That's a lot of information, Maria.  
> * Do you remember the headache from the last dream? This will be much worse.  
> * Are you sure?  
> * I can do it now if you want.  
> * It won't work if you do that.  
> * That's a long story.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The third and final chapter. Thank you so much for reading, commenting, and leaving kudos. I truly appreciate you all giving this odd fic a chance and supporting it <3
> 
> PreRaphaelites, you are absolutely amazing and I'm lucky to have you as a friend and beta.
> 
> I hope you all enjoy this as much as I've enjoyed writing it.
> 
> Till the next fic :*

_“Kala!” Rajan called out, alarmed. He got to his knees by Kala’s side, his hands on her shoulders. “My love, why all this?” he asked as he helped Kala to her feet and guided her towards the bed where she slowly lowered herself to the edge of it._

_“I need to find him,” she said to herself, then turned to Rajan, her eyes determined, “I need to find him.”_

_“But why? He made his choice,” Rajan asked, bewildered._

_Kala ignored his question and walked determinedly to her still packed bag. She pulled out an outfit and got dressed in a hurry while Rajan watched, uncomprehendingly._

_“Ok, my love. It’s fine if you need to talk to him, but why can’t you just do it with, you know-” he said, pointing vaguely around his head, “-your mind?”_

_Kala moved her passport and cash from her clutch to a cross-body bag, not bothering to turn as she said, “He’s on blockers, Rajan. You know what those are, right? I_ did _explain how those work, didn’t I?”_

_Rajan ignored the condescending tone in her response. “Well, if he is on blockers, then he doesn’t want you to find him,” he said as he pulled around to face him. “Shouldn’t you respect his wishes?”_

_Kala pulled her arm out of his grip, her eyes cold, before she walked out the door without looking back._

_She ran to Wolfgang’s room, but found housekeeping already cleaning it up._

_“The man who was staying here, when did he check out?” Kala asked urgently._

_The young girl apologised, “I’m sorry, madam, but I can’t tell you.”_

_“Please! Please, it’s urgent,” Kala begged._

_The girl worried her bottom lip, then said, “He checked out maybe twenty minutes ago.”_

_“Thank you! Thank you so much!” Kala said as she ran towards the elevator. She stabbed at the button repeatedly as she waited for it to arrive at her floor._

_Once she arrived at the lobby, Kala ran outside and hailed a taxi to the airport. She paid the driver too much and pushed through the tourist groups that got in her way till she reached the flights schedule board. None were headed to Berlin. Not for four more hours. Kala checked the airlines then ran and purchased a ticket knowing she wouldn’t be let into the waiting area without one. As soon as she was let in, she walked around, her eyes roamed the area, but Wolfgang was nowhere to be found._

_Kala ran her hands through her hair, still looking around desperately when she came to the conclusion that maybe Wolfgang had called the airport in advance and decided not to wait four hours for the flight home. She pulled out her phone and checked the nearest train station to their hotel. Once she had an address she ran out to the taxi station and got into one, ignoring the couple who got to it first. She gave the driver directions and as soon as the taxi started moving, Kala, in her desperation, screamed for Will in her head inadvertently waking everyone in the cluster._

_“Kala, what happened?” Will asked when her panic sliced through the sleepy haze in his mind._

_“It’s Wolfgang,” Kala answered the visiting Will, not caring if the driver thought her crazy. “He’s gone. I’m trying to find him and I need help.”_

_Still confused, Will tried to visit Wolfgang. His own panic clashed with Kala’s when he was met by a silent wall, a wall he was too familiar with after Wolfgang was taken by BPO._

_Catching his train of thought, Kala clarified, “No, that’s not it.”_

_“What is it then?” Sun asked from the front seat, wrapped in a bedsheet._

_“I did something stupid and now he’s gone,” Kala said as she shared a memory of Rajan, Wolfgang, and herself sleeping in the same bed._

_“Yeah, that!” Nomi said, joining them in the backseat of the taxi._

_Will shook his head as if to shake off the image Kala had provided. “Ok. How can I help?”_

_“I tried the airport. He wasn’t there so, I’m heading to the train station nearest to our hotel, but I can’t cover it all on my own.”_

_“I’m on my way,” Will stated, returning to his hotel room with Riley and jumping out of bed to get dressed._

_“Ok do that, but this would take too long,” Nomi objected, “I think I can help. I don’t have anything to work with here, but I know someone who can help. Get to the station and wait to hear from me.”_

_Kala nodded, guilt eating at her for involving Nomi, yet she couldn’t bring herself to stop her. She needed all the help she could get._

_“I’m coming too,” Sun said without waiting for a reply from Kala, then visited Will to tell him to wait for her in the lobby. Together, they headed out to the station where they arrived at the same time as Kala, but Nomi hadn’t gotten back to them yet._

_Checking the departures and arrivals board, Sun said, “The ICE train had already departed thirty minutes ago. Assuming he wasn’t on it, Thalys departs in another thirty.”_

_“We should split up, cover more ground,” Will said, then directed each of them to where to search._

_Halfway through their search, Nomi visited. “He’s not showing up on any CCTV feeds. Sorry, Kala.”_

_Sun, Will, and Kala met back at the station entrance. “Where could he possibly be?” Kala asked, panicking. Wolfgang was used to hiding from the mob, he could easily hide from them, at least until he runs out of blockers._

_They all remained silent, thinking of Wolfgang’s options to leave undetected when Sun said, “He could be in the only place that has no CCTV surveillance: the men’s room.”_

_Will and Kala exchanged a look before they all ran in the direction of the restrooms, following the signs scattered around the station. Will walked in as soon as they reached the door and found Wolfgang at one of the sinks, splashing his face with water. Their eyes met briefly, Wolfgang’s eyes wide with surprise._

_Will said nothing and checked the stalls making sure they were empty, then exchanged another look with a confused Wolfgang before opening the door and leaving, letting Kala in. He stood guard at door with Sun and whenever someone came to the door, they told them it was under maintenance._

_Kala and Wolfgang remained quiet for a minute that felt much longer than it should. Kala was the first to break the silence._

_“You just leave without a word, you’re on blockers, you’re hiding in the men’s room. Why all this, Wolfgang?” Kala asked, her voice a whisper._

_“You know why.”_

_“Last night-”_

_“Was a mistake,” Wolfgang interrupted, “We were drunk and high. It didn’t mean anything. It will never mean anything.”_

_“Wolfgang!” Kala exclaimed, hurt, Rajan being part of their night might have meant nothing, but what about her?_

_“What do you want from me, Kala?” Wolfgang asked, his voice conveying his desperate need to understand her, his desperate need for her to finally decide what and whom she wanted. He was an active participant the night before, nobody forced him into anything, but when morning came, along with it came the reality of his situation: he didn’t know where he stood where Kala was concerned. None of them had said a word about their arrangement, or how they would move forward. They had the time and the opportunity, but no one said anything. Kala one time told him he would love India, but she never explained who he would be to her when he made the trip. He didn’t want to pressure her so he didn’t ask. He kept waiting for Kala to bring up the subject, but she seemed content with the status quo, like she was relieved she wasn’t being forced to make a choice and Wolfgang was tired of the expectation that he would go along with whatever Kala needed just because of his love for her. That night was quite the eye-opener especially because Rajan didn’t seem too concerned as though he knew it wouldn’t last. “You say you love me, you say you want Paris to be just for us, you say you know what love is because of me, you nearly jump out of a window for me, and as soon as Rajan shows up you just throw everything you’ve said away. You don’t say anything for weeks, then you tell me I will love India, but as what?”_

_“Wolfgang, listen-”_

_“No, you listen, Kala. I’ve listened to you talk in circles for too long. That’s enough,” Wolfgang talked over her. “I won’t be a third wheel in your marriage. I won’t be a secret you keep from your family, I refuse to be Mrs. Rajan Rasal’s side-fuck. What we have is much stronger and deeper than this. We deserve better than this,” Wolfgang paused to swallow, “I deserve better than this from the woman who says she’s in love with me. Last night was a big mistake. I won’t share you, Kala.”_

_Kala’s voice shook with the tears streaming down her face. “You do deserve better than this and I do love you more than I can possibly say, but I have to consider what my family-”_

_“No, buts. Figure out what you want to do with your life. It’s your life after all, but I won’t just sit there and wait on the sidelines until you decide if you want to start a life with me or stay with the husband you never really loved because I will never be part of your marriage, Kala.” Wolfgang said, his voice steady, but his eyes both angry and hurt. He then picked up his suitcase and walked out, leaving a sobbing Kala behind._

_Will, Kala, and Sun returned to the hotel, the silence that had descended on them stifling. Will and Sun walked Kala to her room, their offer to stay with her rejected._

_Kala ignored Rajan’s concerned questions and pleas to answer him. She just stood at the window, staring out but seeing nothing. Wolfgang’s absence from her head more pronounced now than it had ever been._

_********_

Kala and Wolfgang watched over Maria and saw a tear escape her closed eyelids. Kala looked down in shame only for Wolfgang to lift her chin with his index finger and kiss her reassuringly.

********

_It took Kala three agonising months to put her life back in order: telling her parents about Wolfgang, filing for a divorce, and looking for a new job. She felt completely alone and the Cluster’s presence didn’t help alleviate the sadness or the heaviness of her heart. Wolfgang had run out of blockers two weeks after their meeting at the station and didn’t bother with acquiring more. His presence in Kala’s head, yet completely shutting her out made the loneliness even worse. She couldn’t even tell him she was flying to Berlin, that she was coming for him. He only knew after she came to his door with her suitcases at her feet._

_“May I come in?” Kala asked, her heart pounding in her chest, afraid, terrified that she might be turned away, but she never was. Wolfgang let her back into his life and she never looked back._

_They fought what was left of BPO side by side, they started a family and grew old together. Wolfgang a doting father and owner of a security company, and Kala a devoted mother and an accomplished pharmacologist whose published research papers on genetics and evolution caused waves in the medical society until Wolfgang and she retired and focused on their family. They led a happy life til Kala passed soon to be followed by the grieving Wolfgang a month later._

_********_

Maria woke slowly, her brain no longer chasing memories that overwhelmed her. She had a persistent headache, but nothing she couldn’t handle with painkillers, coffee, and a breakfast heavy on sugar. She was haunted by the memories, heartbroken to have lived through Wolfgang and Kala’s passing, yet found comfort in the happy life they’d led together.

When Wolfgang showed up later that night, Maria was caught by surprise. It had seemed to take so much energy out of him to show up once before, to say a single sentence, but now he just stood casually in the kitchen, hands in his pockets.

“Hey,” he greeted.

“Hey. How?”

“You have my memories in your head. It’s easier this way,” Wolfgang clarified.

“I still don’t understand,” Maria frowned.

“My daughter would like to meet you,” he said with a small smile.

“Your daughter?” Maria asked, brows lifting in surprise.

“Yes, would you go meet her tomorrow? She’s expecting you. I’ll give you the address.”

Still confused, but too tired to argue, Maria agreed.

“Take the diary with you,” Wolfgang instructed after Maria wrote down the address, then he was gone.

Maria stared at the empty space where he once stood as her mind raced.

Much later and when she finally went to bed, Maria dreamed of Wolfgang teaching his daughter to fight and Kala helping her study.

********

Maria stood nervously at the door of Irina Gorski at the address Wolfgang had provided. She took a steadying breath and was about to knock when the door opened revealing a beautiful woman with wildly curled hair, piercing blue eyes, and skin the colour of caramel. If Maria had any doubts about the address, looking at that woman overrode them all. She was certainly Wolfgang and Kala’s daughter.

“Maria! I’ve been expecting you,” she greeted as she moved to the side, “Please, come in.”

Maria walked in slowly, looking around the spacious and colourful house. She followed Irina to a sitting area with a fireplace the top of which was crowded with picture frames. Maria’s feet moved on their own volition taking her to the fireplace, her eyes drinking in the happiness captured within the frames.

Irina stood by patiently until Maria turned, pointing at a picture of a young boy with blue eyes and dark hair, “Yours?”

“Yes, he’s at school right now,” Irina said, smiling. “Come. Please sit down. We have much to talk about.”

Maria took a seat in an armchair that was so big it seemed to swallow her petite frame. Irina sat on the couch, close to Maria.

“You have a lot of questions,” Irina started, “So I’ll just tell you a story and if you still have questions afterwards, just ask, yes?”

Maria only nodded, then remembered the diary in her bag. “First, I believe you want this back?” she asked pulling out the diary and reluctantly handing it over.

Irina’s gaze pierced into Maria’s, “I do. Thank you.”

“I found it in the attic in an old box,” Maria clarified.

“I know. I put it there,” Irina said with a smile.

“You what?” Maria nearly squealed the question.

“Like I said, I have a story to tell you.”

When Maria said nothing, Irina knew to start telling it.

“You know how the August 8th cluster, my parents’ cluster, ended BPO, but as you also know, BPO rose from the ashes again and brought the fight against Homosensoriums to a whole new level. To cut a long story short, they put blockers in the main water supplies in the US,” Irina said with a sigh. “At first I couldn’t even begin to think how much that cost and is still costing them, or where they got all the funding. Anyway, my mother figured out what was happening when it was reported that Sensates started losing their connections to each other for no apparent reason. She had the water analysed at an independent lab and immediately recognised the chemical compound of blockers.”

“The Archipelago made the discovery known amongst its members and those outside the US told those living here to stop drinking tap water and explained how water filters were no good. It helped the already rebirthed Sensates, but the fact remained that Sensates yet to be reborn were invisible to their cluster parents,” Irina continued and watched as Maria’s eyes widened in horror.

“My parents along with the Archipelago worked day and night to figure out an algorithm that could predict a person’s genetic disposition to be a Sensorium by comparing the results against the records the Archipelago had of all Sensates in the registry.”

“It still wasn’t enough and the results needed to be narrowed down if we had any hope of approaching them in person. So The Archipelago founded a company, a small one at first, but with all Sensates worldwide pitching in, it grew bigger and bigger until it became a serious contender in the chemicals industry. They developed a neutraliser that helped decrease the effects of the blockers in the water supplies. Naturally, they couldn’t keep the flow going for long periods of time. They did it once a year and it was enough to allow rebirths in the US to happen.”

Irina crossed her legs elegantly then continued, “Before my parents retired, my mother had helped develop a compound that only a Sensate brain, rebirthed or not, can react to it. It became a sort of beacon for cluster parents to find their children even if said children were on blockers. It took her ten years, but she made it work.”

“That still doesn't explain why you left the diary in my house, or why Kala and Wolfgang literally haunted me, or why I can’t see Kala, but can see Wolfgang so easily now,” Kala interrupted.

Irina smiled, “He told me you are quite impatient.”

“Who? Wolfgang?”

“Yes, your cluster’s grandfather,” Irina said deadpan, then jumped a moment later at Maria’s reaction.

“What the actual fuck are you talking about?” Maria burst out, rising to her feet.

“And he also said you were a hothead,” Irina said under her breath. “You’ve been reborn a Sensate since you were twenty-six, two years ago, but finding you again wasn’t easy and the process, despite my mother’s best efforts, is admittedly a slow one. We can’t keep up with BPO a lot of the time. They’re always a step ahead. Sometimes finding the children, and in your case trying to reconnect with you, was not a top priority, not with BPO hunting down active Sensates all over the world. When the time was right we made a move to reach you.”

Maria’s ears were ringing and her head swimming. She had always been fascinated by the stories she had read about Sensates and now she was being told she was actually one. It was too much to process. She eventually sat down and held her head in her hands and breathed deeply.

Irina placed a hand on Maria’s knee and said, her voice kind, “I believe you’ve met one of your cluster: Jakob.”

Maria’s head snapped up, “That wasn’t a ghost?”

“No, he wasn’t and it’s arguable that my parents aren’t either,” Irina squeezed Maria’s knee then let go. “A Sensate is never really dead, Maria. Yes, their bodies cease to exist, but their consciousness lives on in their descendants. What you’ve experienced is a complex combination of that consciousness living on within you, and the fact that my parents are indeed still fighting BPO from beyond the grave.”

At Maria’s blank stare, Irina continued, “Years of oppression and fighting for the survival of our species forced us to evolve. What didn’t make sense in my parents’ days makes perfect sense now. It’s only in recent years that we discovered this evolution in our kind when it was reported that a cluster parent could find his children without the help of my mother’s serum. Like I said, it’s a slow process, but we’re finally getting somewhere. We finally have a chance to fight back.”

“So this Jakob and I are a cluster?” Maria struggled with the words.

“And ten more.”

“Ten?” Maria’s eyes widened.

“Yes. In my parents’ days, eight was quite an unusually high number. Now twelve is perfectly normal. Yet another evolution in our species to ensure rebirthing as many Sensates as possible in one go.”

“The others in Kala and Wolfgang’s cluster?” Maria asked, dazed.

“Unfortunately, not all of them are still alive, but those who are, are still helping the best they could.”

“Why was it Wolfgang and Kala who came for me then? Why not my cluster mother or father or whatever? Why all this?”

“Would you have believed me if I did?” Irina asked pointedly, her eyes on Maria’s staring ones.

“What are you saying?”

“You’re a direct descendant of the Bogdanow Sensate line. I barely had the chance to birth you at a time when you didn’t drink that much water. You were basically living on Coke at the time,” Irina huffed and shook her head, “but then your biological mother, in her efforts to look out for you, got on your case and forced you to drink more water and I lost my already flimsy connection to you. Neither your cluster nor I could connect with you. If I had just shown up at your door and told you all this, you wouldn’t have believed me. My mother’s diary and my father’s memories were my safest bet and it worked, didn’t it?”

“You’re right. I wouldn’t have believed you,” Maria agreed. “I still don’t believe you.”

“Do you speak German, Maria?”

The question caught Maria off guard. “Sadly, I only speak English.”

Irina remained silent waiting for Maria to keep up.

“Oh my God!” Maria exclaimed, a vivid image of her bathroom mirror appearing in her mind’s eye. In her impatience to reach an agreement with Wolfgang, Maria hadn’t even noticed he was communicating with her in his mother language.

“My connection to Wolfgang is why I could understand him?”

“At that moment, no. Dad hadn’t connected with you yet. That came later in your dream, which was a forced integration, and that’s why it was so excruciatingly painful. You carry your parent’s consciousness, not your grandparent’s, but that’s a whole other story. Anyway, Jakob was why you could, he’s German, and for a brief minute you were sharing with him.”

Maria shook her head to clear it, “You said I’m a direct descendant. Does that mean that-”

“I was rebirthed by my father, yes,” Irina interrupted. “It was a forced rebirth. Nothing says that a biological Sensate parent has to be the one to rebirth their children. It wouldn’t have worked hadn’t both my parents been Sensates, but they wanted to make sure I was ‘active’ in case anything happened.”

“That’s-That’s a lot of information,” Maria said, waving her hands as though to keep Irina from interrupting. “So let me get this straight: BPO poisoned the water supply, The Archipelago’s algorithm didn’t help as much as was hoped, a company was founded to counterbalance the blocker in the water and it worked but still not as much as was hoped. Finally, Kala created a serum that allowed Sensate parents to locate their children, but not connect with them. Am I getting this right so far?” Maria asked.

Irina nodded with a smile.

“Ok. Ok,” Maria nodded as well, then continued, “You-” Maria paused, tried to get the foreign words out, “-gave birth to me, but barely because of the water and it took you two years to finally get around to contact me because of BPO. You decided Wolfgang and Kala were your best option because otherwise I wouldn’t believe you and you planted that diary for me to find and the rest is history.”

Irina nodded again.

“I stopped drinking tap water, but Jakob still seemed unable to connect with me for long. Why? Will I ever be able to connect with my cluster or am I damaged?”

“You’ve been on blockers for years. Your body hasn’t flushed it out entirely yet, so, no, you’re not damaged,” Irina explained. “Do you want to connect to your cluster, me? Or would you rather put all this behind you and forget it ever happened?”

Maria was thoughtful for a moment, then said resolutely, “I want it all. I want to join the fight as well. Those BPO fuckers need to pay.”

Irina chuckled, “You really are a Bogdanow.”

Maria didn’t know what to say, but she knew she felt a certain pride upon hearing the statement.

“In that case,” Irina started as she rose to her feet and grabbed a bottle if pills from a side table. “Take one of these,” she said, handing over the bottle to Maria. “It’ll rid you of all residue of the blocker in your system. It’ll take about a couple of hours to work.”

Maria shook out one of the tablets, it was too big to swallow dry.

“Come,” Irina prompted her, holding out her hand for Maria to take.

Maria stared at the offered hand for a few seconds, then took it and followed Irina into a bright kitchen. She accepted the bottled water Irina offered her and took the medication.

“Now,” Irina started, “Have you had lunch yet?” she asked. When Maria nodded Irina chuckled, “I meant a solid lunch, not coffee.”

Maria rolled her eyes, “No, I haven’t.”

“Join me then,” Irina said as she moved gracefully around the kitchen pulling out ingredients from the fridge and cupboards and placing them on the kitchen table. “By the time we’re done, the neutraliser will have worked and we can get started,” Irina said, a smile curling her lips. She looked over Maria’s head. “Hey mum, hey dad. Care to join us?” she asked.

Maria spun around, her eyes meeting Wolfgang’s. “Hey, grandad,” Maria teased then laughed when Wolfgang merely rolled his eyes and sat at the table. “Will I be able to see Kala too when the blocker wears off entirely?” she asked him.

“Yes, you will.”

“Good. I like her,” Maria stated.

“She loves you. You’re family,” Wolfgang said, shrugging, the corner of his mouth lifting in a small smile at Maria’s bewildered eyes.

She had so many questions for them all, she wanted to connect with her cluster, learn even more about the history of Homosensoriums, know what she could do to help her kind prevail. None of this had really sunk in, yet she believed it all to be true. Somehow it all made sense and also none at all.

Whatever was sizzling on the stove smelled great and she told Irina so.

“Thank you. You’ll eat all of it by the way. You’re far too skinny, Maria,” Irina said, looking at Maria over her shoulder disapprovingly.

Maria frowned then groaned, “I have two mothers now?”

Irina laughed at Maria’s frustration. “Oh sweetie. You have three. You wait until you meet my mum. She so disapproves of your diet too,” she said. “She is so much more than a brilliant scientist, she’s one hell of a mum as well.”

“Oh man!” Maria whined and hid her face in her hands. The chuckles that she heard made her drop her hands to find two more people in the kitchen, one of them Jakob. The brunette resting her head on his shoulder and looking up at him happily was unfamiliar, but Maria already knew her name.

“I’m Jenna,” the brunette introduced herself, as unnecessary as it was, her gaze shifting to Maria.

“I know,” Maria said, smiling, as she met Jenna’s eyes.

********


End file.
